Saturday, March 21, 2015

In space, no one can hear you laugh - German physics

The K-Landnews TheEditor rumbled: Some would claim that if you still follow the great Snowden surveillance debate, you don't have much going on your life. Me, I go for the comic aspects, like the German physics.

This statement caused a mad scramble in the K-Landnews basement newsroom. What the heck did it** mean to say with German physics?

You dodos, check Wikipedia, came the holler from upstairs.

Okay, the Wikipedia page on German Physics is pretty long, these guys were busy, let's give you one quote : "Einstein's name was completely ignored. Many of these classical physicists resented Einstein's dismissal of the notion of a luminiferous aether."

So, by the end of the read, we concluded: While not completely cartoon physics, German Physics is probably the closest real life thing to cartoon physics you'll find. 

Oh, how wrong we were!

German Physics is in use today, in 21st Century Germany, and here is where it is found.
Since that page is in German, let us relish in explaining it to you.

Germany's "foreign" intelligence service BND, a poor man's version of the NSA and the CIA rolled into one, intercepts satellite communications using some big dishes on German soil.
In deliberations of the German parliamentary investigative committee, the BND folks were asked what legal basis this activity had. Interception of comms from German soil falls under laws, so they were politely asked which laws applied and how they dealt with restrictions re comms of German citizens. Their answer was "this interception is not subject to any restrictions because it takes place in space, where German law does not apply."

Apparently, some smiles and some frowns prompted further clarification: We grab the data directly at the satellite, so we are good and don't have to filter out German citizens and so forth.

This statement is perfectly in line with the old style German physics described above.

In terms of real physics, you need waves to hit whatever receiving surface you use for communication. Collecting data directly at a satellite can be done, if you will, just not using an antenna thousands of miles away on the ground.

So, when the blogster read their explanation, two things happened. The first was the immediate appearance of a visual of a German astronaut floating in space next to a satellite, a stethoscope in his big space suit gloved hands, laughing his space butt off.

The second thing was a business idea alert. What if I set up a listening station in Germany and intercept satellite communications using this rationale?

TheEditor, however, burst this bubble right away: Dummy, it is German physics, totally malleable cartoon physics. For you, that means, if you do the same, they'll tell you straight faced that their German physics works only right above their intercept stations. Outside of the intercept stations, regular physics apply, they won't say Jewish physics, that's a no no, but anyway, if you do it they lock up your sorry ass.

** TheEditor insists on gender neutral forms of address and will be even grumpier than usual if we do not comply.

[Update 2/25/2016] Zeit Online has found why the "space theory" was invented by the BND. According to documents the paper managed to obtain, the BND logged the collection and the transfer of data as required under the law. When the investigative committee was set up, the BND feared, rightly so, that the committee would ask for records.
In order to avoid having to divulge records, the "space theory" was invented: collection occurs outside of German law, hence, no need to document anything.
This leaves the question: what happened to the stored records?

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